My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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