When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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