I need help removing her.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
