I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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