It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
