guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
