She just used a chaser for red wine.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
