Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
