It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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