stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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