I think my fart just growled at me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
