there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
