apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
