Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
