I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i dont even know how to be here
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
