mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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