maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
