How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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