Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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