Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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