Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
