ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
now i know why i became what i already was.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
