We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
