I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
