You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
