Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
