if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I could fuck to npr.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
