I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
