Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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