we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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