I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
