listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
