then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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