We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
