I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
