WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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