I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
