i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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