My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
