I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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