my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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