you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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