I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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