my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
