this beer tastes like vomit already
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
