What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
