I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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