She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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