i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
