Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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